I will give a bit of a warning: Table Flipping is not something that you should do every weekend. You will probably not get invited back to the group. However, the art of flipping the table is sometimes a necessity. Since the middle ages, there has been no better way to express the rage that you feel. The historical origins of this art is a bit hazy, but it is rumored that none other than Leonardo DaVinci was the originator of this act. There are rules for this act, you can’t just go around turning tables willy nilly. The table flip should only be reserved for the most extreme of circumstances. I am talking about the really, really dark times. Hour 7 of a game of Here I Stand, a sudden betrayal in Diplomacy or ANY game of Settlers of Catan. Tread lightly intrepid gamer…
So here we go; Four Easy Lessons in Elegant and Classy Table Flipping.
Step 1: Remain Calm
ALWAYS remain calm. The other players should never actually see the table flip coming. You really need to employ all of your restraint to maintain a calm and even poker face. The last thing you want anybody doing is stopping you from flipping the table over. This literally your ace in the hole. Some people plan on losing with grace and dignity, but who wants to do that? Communists. That’s who. What’s it going to be comrade? Are you going to take a loss that will be remembered forever? Don’t give the skalds a reason to trumpet your losses in Valhalla (Google it). Instead remain calm, keep an even face and turn that piece of shit prefab Ikea table over!
Step 2: Never Admit Fault.
Ok, you did it. The table has been flipped over. The fit has been thrown; now what? Put on your bitchiest stare and say nothing. Do not speak first. Never, EVER accept any blame for this. The table was flipped because of THEIR actions, not yours. Calmly explain to them why their actions led everybody to this dark place. You didn’t want to do this, they made you. Well I mean yes, you did do it but you didn’t WANT to. Your hand was forced. When you think about it the other players more or less grabbed your hands and tipped the table over for you. I know this was hard for you, are you ok? Did you need to talk about it? Let’s hug this out and get to our most important lesson.
Step 3: Play the Victim Card
At this point you will notice an awkward silence descend over the room. Take advantage. If you can cry, do it. There will be about twenty to thirty very awkward and very long seconds while the act registers in people’s heads. CASH OUT. My dog just died, its the 23rd anniversary of my great-grandmother’s ingrown toenail removal. Hell tell them you have cholera, take their focus off of the mess/insult in front of them and make it about you. This is literally the only option available to you now. Find a way to get their sympathy and get it FAST, you will need it for the last step
Step 4: RUN!
Seriously. Get the HELL out of there! You just upturned the host’s table and more or less ruined game night. GET OUT OF THERE AND DO IT FAST!
That is pretty much everything you need to know to flip a table like a professional. You can use these lessons outside of a game setting! Dinner parties, meetings or even funerals! Just always remember Step 4… it is the really important one